Have any of these things ever happened to you?

• Someone interrupts you
• A friend doesn’t respond to your message for a while, or just doesn’t…again
• Your partner makes a comment that feels off, maybe even dismissive
• A coworker questions something you said and it seems a bit personal (ouch!)
• Someone uses a tone that just doesn’t sit right with you and you wonder about their intentions

And suddenly, you feel it. Maybe they don’t respect me? It can feel isolating, a blow to your confidence, and I can just feel pretty awful. Sometimes, the intensity can be surprising because we might experience interruptions, challenges, questions, lack of follow up, odd tone, or rejection all the time and we don’t think anyone is being disrespectful. However, sometimes, it lands in such a way that we feel it suddenly when we least expect it. Or, maybe, it could also be the inevitable outcome, or exactly what we’re expecting.

So, are they or aren’t they? In any case, there are at least three possibilities:

1. Sometimes, you’re spot on. You’re absolutely right. People can be rude, dismissive, condescending, inconsiderate, or disrespectful. Recognizing that behavior and setting boundaries is healthy. You have your feelings for a reason. Feelings are real. They can alert us to notice and pay attention to what is happening. They tell us to take a closer look at something that might be important.
2. Other times, something more complicated may be happening. The feeling of being disrespected doesn’t come only from what another person does. It also comes from what their behavior means to us. Our experiences, expectations, insecurities, relationships, and assumptions all influence how we interpret other people’s behavior. Are our interpretations always accurate or helpful? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, or more often  it’s somewhere in between.
3. Of course, some combination of both could be happening. There could be some degree of intentional disrespect and our interpretations could minimize or exacerbate it.

What we can aspire to is to look at things as clearly and accurately as we can. If you frequently feel disrespected, these nine questions may help you understand more about what’s happening.

1. What Actually Happened?

Before deciding what someone’s behavior meant, describe exactly what happened without interpreting it. For example, instead of:

“She completely disrespected me.”

Try:

“I was explaining something, and she interrupted me twice.”

Those are different statements. The first is an interpretation, whereas the second is an observation. An observation is an objective description about what happened without feeling or interpretation.

The distinction between objective observation and our interpretations matters because our minds are remarkably fast at turning events into stories loaded with our interprestations. Here are some additional examples:

The story you’re telling yourself based on your interpretations might be true, but it might not. Start with what you actually know.

2. What Am I Assuming About Their Intentions?

Human beings constantly try to determine why other people behave the way they do. Unfortunately, we’re not always very good at it. We’re not mind readers. 

We may interpret someone’s distraction as indifference, bluntness as hostility, disagreement as rejection, or forgetfulness as evidence that they don’t value us. But there may be explanations we haven’t considered. Maybe…

• They’re overwhelmed or distracted
• Their communication style is different from ours
• They misunderstood us
• They’re having a terrible day

Or, maybe they really were being disrespectful! The point isn’t to excuse bad behavior. It’s to distinguish between what someone did and what we assume they intended. Again, this is separating the objective observation of the behavior or what happened versus your interpretation. While obviously related, they are separate things. We can’t control others’ behaviors. We can only observe and describe it objectively. Our interpretations, however, can tell us more about ourselves and ultimately we can control our interpretations. As the ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus observed:

“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of things.”

3. Does This Remind Me of Something Else?

Sometimes our strongest reactions aren’t entirely about the present moment. Emotions help us recognize patterns that made an impact on us in the past. This helps keep us safe.

Imagine our ancestors who heard rustling in the bushes and became alert to the possibility of a wild animal stalking them. Perhaps that was true for them at some time in their life experience, but it is unlikely there was a wild animal stalking them every time they heard the bushes rustling. Nonetheless, it was useful to their survival to be on alert to something even potentially happening again.

This feature of our mind and emotions can seem like a problem for us in modern times if we aren’t aware of it. For example…

• A dismissive comment today may reinforce years long pattern of being dismissed by others.
• Being ignored by your current partner may activate memories of another relationship that has long been over.
• Being corrected publicly may bring back the humiliation of being embarrassed at school or in  your parents’ home while growing up.

The present experience is very real, and has its own impact. The wild thing is that it may also carry emotional weight from another time and another place compounding today’s event with things that are no longer happening..

So, ask yourself…

Am I reacting only to what happened today? Or, to everything this reminds me of?

That question can reveal a lot. It can also make us more self-aware of unexplored patterns and traumas, as well as what is actually happening in the current moment.

4. Is There a Particular Kind of Disrespect That Really Gets to Me?

Most of us have emotional pressure points, things that get us riled up or piss us off. Some common ones are…

• Being interrupted
• Being ignored
• Someone questioning your intelligence
• Making decisions without consulting you
• Criticizing you publicly
• Arriving late
• Speaking to you in a condescending tone

These emotional pressure points can tell us something about what we value. For example..

• If being ignored easily bothers you, perhaps being heard is deeply important to you.
• If being excluded hurts intensely, belonging may be especially important.
• If being corrected makes you unusually defensive, competence may be closely connected to your sense of identity.

As uncomfortable as these feelings might be and as challenging as it might be to examine what you really value, the goal here isn’t to eliminate these feelings. Feelings often give us important information and information is most valuable when we understand it and gain some level of insight from it. Carl Jung wrote:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Understanding our emotional pressure points, or triggers, gives us more choice about how we respond to them. When you experience these pressure points, slow down, breathe, and pause before you react.

5. Am I Giving One Moment Too Much Meaning?

One rude interaction doesn’t necessarily define an entire relationship. Neither does one forgotten text, one disagreement, one insensitive joke, or one bad day. Look for patterns.

• Does this person usually listen to you?
• Do they usually treat you with consideration?
• Do they apologize when they hurt you?
• Can you disagree without being belittled?
• Do they respect your boundaries after you’ve clearly communicated them?

A single moment is a single data point. A pattern, usually two, three, or more instances can tell you more about what’s happening. Don’t ignore persistent patterns of disrespect, and don’t necessarily define someone’s entire character by their worst fifteen minutes.

6. Am I Expecting Other People to Show Respect the Same Way I Do?

People don’t always communicate respect in the same ways.

• One person shows respect by listening quietly, while another shows engagement by interrupting enthusiastically.
• One family considers direct disagreement perfectly normal, while another considers it rude.
• Some people value punctuality intensely, while others barely notice whether someone arrives ten minutes late.

This doesn’t mean anything goes. However, it can mean there is a difference in expectations. Expectations can vary widely among people in the same workplace, household, street they live on, etc. The trouble is, we often only find out when the conflict happens! So, ask yourself:

Did this person violate a universal boundary, a locally held boundary, or one of my personal expectations?

Any of it and all of it matters, but knowing the difference can help you decide how to respond. It could be a matter of communicating across different expectations and setting boundaries. Or, it could be intentional and disrespectful behavior. It’s important to approach this with curiosity before indignation. 

7. Have I Clearly Communicated What Bothers Me?

With 8 billion people in the world, expecting everyone to show respect the same way we do, could be a challenge. Nonetheless, this is where we can take responsibility for how we want to be treated.

Sometimes we expect people to know our boundaries without ever explaining them. Then we become frustrated when they cross a line they didn’t know existed. So, make the behavior and its impact on you clear. You might say something like:

“When I’m explaining something and you interrupt me repeatedly, I feel like what I’m saying doesn’t matter. Could you let me finish? Thank you.”

That’s very different from:

“You never respect me! You’re so disrespectful!”

The first response identifies a behavior and gives the other person an opportunity to respond differently. It describes their behavior and you use an “I” statement about how you feel, its impact on your feelings.You can’t argue with how you feel.

The second response assigns them an identity as a disrespectful person. Try recovering from that!

Healthy boundaries aren’t tests people must magically pass through mind reading. They’re often respectful conversations that give people a choice about how to respond, offer a dignified opportunity to do better, and are clear and explicit about the triggering behavior and how it impacts you.

8. Is This Really About Respect? Or, Is Something Else Hurting?

Sometimes “I feel disrespected” is the surface emotion. Underneath it might be something like “I feel…”

• rejected
• embarrassed
• unimportant
• powerless
• excluded
• insecure
• taken for granted
• like I’m not enough

Those emotions can be harder to admit. In a competitive world, it can be hard to accept that someone hurt us with mere words. Anger and indignation often feel stronger and safer than vulnerability. So instead of thinking, “Wow, that hurt me.” We say, “How dare they disrespect me!”. Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Accepting that we were hurt can be a tough thing to do, but try getting curious about what’s underneath your reaction rather than criticizing yourself for having it.

What are you actually feeling? Where are you feeling vulnerable?

9. What Response Would Show Me I Respect Myself?

This is our final question in the list and, yes, it may be the most important one. You can’t control others and you certainly can’t control whether everyone respects you.

You can control what you tolerate, what you communicate, what you internalize, and how you respond. Sometimes self-respect means…

• speaking up
• asking a question
• calmly saying, “Please don’t speak to me that way.”
• realizing you’ve misunderstood someone’s intentions
• forgiving someone

It’s definitely worth engaging others in the ‘conversation’ of developing mutual respect versus avoiding it through silence or sucking it up. That can only make you miserable. However, another appropriate response, especially after you see repeated patterns, is to create distance from someone who repeatedly treats you poorly. It might even be a case where it is appropriate to walk away, find a new place to live or work, or end a relationship. There is an anonymous quote (sometimes attributed to Morgan Freeman or Anthony Hopkins) that may apply when people don’t see your worth.

“Give the gift of your absence to those who don’t appreciate your presence.”

Self-respect doesn’t require winning every confrontation. It almost doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. It means responding in a way that aligns with your values. Your self-respect matters.

A Nuanced Word of Caution: You Don’t Have to Ignore Disrespect Or See It Everywhere

There are two extremes that can both cause pain. Believing disrespect is…

1. Nowhere (e.g. tolerating genuinely disrespectful behavior because we don’t trust our own feelings)
2. Everywhere (e.g. interpreting every disagreement, disappointment, or inconsiderate moment as evidence that someone doesn’t respect us)

The healthier place is somewhere between them. We can…

• notice our feelings without automatically believing every interpretation attached to them
• be curious and ask questions
• communicate our boundaries
• look for patterns
• be curious about why certain experiences affect us so deeply
• engage others in the ‘conversation’ around developing mutual respect when our ideas about might be a little different

Slowing down, self-awareness, pausing before choosing how to respond can be the greatest act of self-respect you can ever make. So, the next time you feel disrespected, before immediately reacting, try asking yourself this abridged set of questions:

1. What’s happening and what am I assuming?
2. What am I feeling underneath this?
3. Is this a moment or a pattern?
4. What would self-respect look like right now?

Sometimes the answer will be to let something go, or to have a conversation, or to stop accepting behavior you’ve tolerated for far too long. Knowing the difference empowers you with choices, and that may be one of the most important forms of self-respect a person can ever have.

Further Reading

Want to learn more about overthinking, self-awareness, emotional regulation, and taking meaningful action? Explore these articles and discover new perspectives.

• Can You Love Someone and Still Know They Are Wrong for You?
• Why We Sometimes Push Away the People We Love Most
• What It REALLY Means to Protect Your Peace
• Why We Misunderstand Each Other So Easily
• 12 Quotes About Listening to Yourself and Discovering What Your Heart Already Knows
• How Do You Know Whether It’s Time to Listen, Work, or Act? 

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